Best Picture

Avatar - Will most likely win, but shouldn’t. Special effects can’t take the place of a bad script.

The Blind Side – Garbage. Won’t win.

District 9 - Liked it, but won’t win. Great weapons.

An Education – No idea, but won’t win, because Avatar will win.

The Hurt Locker – Might win. Wasn’t really Oscar-worthy, although some of the performances were. Love to see Cameron’s ex kick his ass.

Inglorious Basterds - Why not. Great movie. Lot of fun. Any film referring to some guy as “the bear jew” deserves a shot.

Precious – No.

A Serious Man – No. Not a Coen Brothers year.

Up - Great movie. Won’t win, because it had a story that was interesting, something Avatar doesn’t have.

Up in the Air – No. Love Clooney, but no. Just no.

Best Actor:

Jeff Bridges for Crazy Heart – Should win and deserves it. I like Bridges. Acceptance speech is questionable.

George Clooney for Up in the Air – Might win, but shouldn’t for this film. If I was forced to have sex with a guy, I’d go with Clooney, because I think he’d be gentle with me.

Colin Firth for A Single Man – A lot of people want Firth to win, so fine, I hope he wins. Actually I hope Jeff Bridges wins. Sorry Colin.

Morgan Freeman for Invictus – I reviewed this movie and it was half-ass (Sorry Clint). Freeman might win. Good Mandela.

Jeremy Renner for The Hurt Locker - Renner was the best thing about The Hurt Locker. Why not.

Best Actress

Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side - You can’t get a Razzle and an Oscar in the same weekend. NOOOOOOO!

Helen Mirren for The Last Station – Didn’t see it, but love Helen Mirren. This is my pick, but probably won’t win.

Carey Mulligan for An Education – She is the favorite for many, but I can’t cheat on Helen Mirren. Sorry honey.

Gabourey Sidibe for Precious – I have never heard of this person, so perhaps she’ll win. That happens sometimes.

Meryl Streep for Julie & Julia – Jesus, would you retire already and give someone else a chance! Streep could win this year and next year, and in 2037.

Not knowing one lick of Spanish was a bit of an obstacle, but I did it and it was crazy-fun; makes me wish they had more languages to pick from.

The greatest satisfaction I got out of this experiment was wondering if the people next to me actually thought I was Spanish.

“Hey, check out that Spanish dude, he so doesn’t look Spanish. He’s the whitest Spanish dude ever.”

I know I could get rid of you guys somehow, but it would most likely take me an hour of trolling through your site to find the “get me the fuck off your list” button…if you even have one.

Just for the record, I don’t have time to write my congressman every five minutes bitching about what’s wrong with our country. There’s a lot that’s wrong with it, and you rich, over-entitled shits are supposed to be fixing it. I’m recycling, and I unplug my appliances at night, so there, I’m doing my part.

Tell you what moveon.org. You pay me five dollars for every letter and email I write, and I’ll write and send emails all goddamn day. Just put the money in my paypal account, and I’ll save it up and donate it to the “Foundation for bigger balls for Democrats.”

These are the words of Pat Robertson concerning the proposed nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court.

Seriously, who gives a rat’s ass about this guy? The Republican party wonders why they were trounced in the past presidential election? News flash: You listen to people like Pat Robertson. You give airtime to people like Pat Robertson.

This is the man, who in 1976, predicted that the end of the world was coming in October or November of 1982. October or November mind you. I suppose God couldn’t make up his mind. Wasn’t sure when he would have his “Destroy The World!” spell perfected.

For all you Republicans that want to get your guy in the WH next time around, do yourselves a solid. Ignore whack jobs like Pat Robertson, stop believing everything you hear on Fox News, and start talking some sense for a change.

“Do you have holes in your stomach?”

“Huh? I think so. Yeah, one where the food goes in, and one where it goes out, I think.” 

“Is it east and west holes?”

“Uh, maybe?”

“It would be funny if you could take your head and put it inside your stomach, and then, and then, and then, you could use your eyeballs to see through the holes in your stomach, right?” 

“That would be really weird.” 

“And then there wouldn’t be any cars on the street, and if you walked around on the street, you can’t see that there aren’t cars on the street because your eyeballs would be in your stomach.”

“Aren’t you tired yet?”

“East and west holes. Not north and south. That would be backwards.”

“Aren’t you tired yet?”