History has shown that I am horrible at picking Oscar winners, and it is likely that this year will be no different. Nonetheless, I must take the proverbial stab at it. For those of you who couldn’t care less about my picks or the Oscars, I understand completely. It’s certainly an event that takes a certain kind of animal to enjoy. Just as I have mocked the Super Bowl year after year, the very people glued to the half-time show are those that will now roll their eyes and wish that I was denied access to the Internet and a keyboard.

So, here we go! My picks for the 83rd Annual Oscars!

Best Picture: The King’s Speech – If this film doesn’t win, there will certainly be rioting at the post-Oscar Vanity Fair party, including Tom Hooper spiking Jesse Eisenberg’s Martini with ADHD meds (”let’s see how fast you talk now, you little bastard!”).

Best Actor: Colin Firth for The King’s Speech – Firth’s performance was hands down the best of the year, and even without the stutter, Firth could “out act” even the most seasoned American actors; yes, the Brits are better in music and film. Just live with it.

Best Actress: This one is as hard as placing Harry in the correct house at Hogwarts. Note: I would have put him in Hufflepuff; all the pansies are in Hufflepuff, and Potter’s a pansy (you ALMOST get killed by the Dark Lord, and suddenly you’re the “it” kid—give me a break).

It’s no mystery that Natalie Portman is the favorite for this, and months after seeing Black Swan, I too was in the Portman camp (I will agree with Vanity Fair that Annette Bening is definitely the spoiler in this category). Just for fun, I’m going to go “outside the box” and pick Jennifer Lawrence in Winter’s Bone. Sure, not many moviegoers have seen Winter’s Bone, but it is a fine little film, and Lawrence was terrific. She is also the one actress in the category  in which men are likely to have reoccurring fantasies (just google her for yourself). I am going to get trounced on this pick, but such is life.

Actor in a Supporting Role: This is another one that could go many ways, but I can’t see Jeremy Renner getting it for The Town , and Christian Bale makes my skin crawl. If you’re going by who was absolutely the “best” here, it has to be Geoffrey Rush for The King’s Speech (he also gets points for spelling his first name that weird way). I really want to pick John Hawkes for Winter’s Bone, but I already went with Lawrence (sorry John, she looks better in a swim suit).

Actress in a Supporting Role: Why Hailee Steinfeld is in the Supporting Role category is a mystery for sure. Possibly, the academy wants to give her a statue, but realizes she doesn’t stand a chance against Portman or Bening. Regardless of the mixup, I am indeed going with Steinfeld in True Grit. Anyone that can turn out a first performance of this caliber, deserves a nod. As for the other nominees, with the exception of Carter, you guys were just too whiny.

Best Director: While I absolutely loathe The Social Network (yes, I know I am in a very small group), I’m guessing Fincher will get Best Director. The Social Network will get shut out of most of the Oscars, but they have to give it something.

As for the rest of the categories—who cares; this is the portion of the show where you drink a lot and get laid if the opportunity presents itself.

So, there you have it, The Dirk Show picks for the Oscars. Enjoy! To all you folks that hate the Oscars, remember, it’s just like the Super Bowl, only with less violence and more bad interludes to offset the action.

Finally! A place I can pick up a copy of Shrek II and Hot Chics on Matchsticks. That’s one-stop shopping, and it’s family night at Love Video & Boutique, open conveniently from 7am to 3am, with plenty-O “family” parking round back!

Now, there are two sides to every story, and this one is no different, literally. This happy little video stop is divided up between the “family” side, and the “mature” side, or for all my peeps, the northside and southside.

The family side is oddly quiet. mmmm….

The mature side is jumpin’!

So I’m getting the itch to go inside, but damn, I realize that I’ve got the kids in tow. Well hell, what to do? I could just leave em’ in the car? Come on, it’s just a porn shop, and it’s only 95 degrees outside. They’ll be ok.

But then, as if from god, it appears……..

Whew! Glad that sign was there.

But then I begin to think about the sign. No loitering at the porn store…No loitering at the porn store…. mmmm. Curiouser and curiouser cried Alice. Then she slipped on a jizz rag and died instantly.

-Much thanks to the wife for the term “pornocopia.” You’re all about the details.

-Also thanks to Lewis Carroll for the obvious.

Bob Mould Interview/Smells Like Screen Spirit

Bear Nation Review/Smells Like Screen Spirit

Richard Garriott: Man on a Mission

The SXSW Film Festival is in full swing, and I’ve got many wonderful reviews coming your way. This year I have a major hankerin’ for documentaries, but our post today is a review of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. This is a fantastic Swedish film adapted from Stieg Larsson’s gripping novel of the same name. See below for the link and enjoy!

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo review from SXSW Film.

“Do you have holes in your stomach?”

“Huh? I think so. Yeah, one where the food goes in, and one where it goes out, I think.” 

“Is it east and west holes?”

“Uh, maybe?”

“It would be funny if you could take your head and put it inside your stomach, and then, and then, and then, you could use your eyeballs to see through the holes in your stomach, right?” 

“That would be really weird.” 

“And then there wouldn’t be any cars on the street, and if you walked around on the street, you can’t see that there aren’t cars on the street because your eyeballs would be in your stomach.”

“Aren’t you tired yet?”

“East and west holes. Not north and south. That would be backwards.”

“Aren’t you tired yet?”

You Danes like you some Rasmussen’s.

“I’m the third Rasmussen in a row to hold this office. There was a difference between one and two. And you will be able to see a difference between two and three,” said Løkke.

The difference? Number two makes me want to turn gay, and number three makes me wonder if I left that Excel spreadsheet on my desktop or in my applications folder.

Check out the latest at The Copenhagen Post online.

I would have to agree with Iceland’s coach Ólafur Jóhannesson, when he said, “they lacked interest in the first half.”

So fellas, take one from the coach and stop lacking interest and get out there and play some damn football, ok? I know your economy is completely in the shitter (seriously, this country is broke), but go soak in a hot spring, listen to some Sugarcubes, gaze upon a fjord, whatever, just get it together!

I’ll expect more when you guys go up against Saudi Arabia, unless it’s an away game, then you’re toast…..literally.

For more see below. Geezus, I’m bummed.
http://www.icelandreview.com/icelandreview/daily_news/?cat_id=29314&ew_0_a_id=321742