Cells Divided
Posted by Dirk on July 23, 2008
There has been much talk over the past few years of the “possible” dangers of using cell phones, namely that these nifty little devices can cause cancer. Whether or not this is true is really a moot point. If my cell phone caused festering, puss-filled boils to form all over my body, I would still use it. I mean really, how could I give it up? I would be missing out on so much, like talking to my mom on the phone in the car instead of talking to my mom on the phone in my house. My dentist wouldn’t be able to call me at the grocery store to verify my cleaning the following morning. I would be unable to send text messages back to friends saying, “No, you suck!” I would no longer receive voice mail from said friends informing me, “Hey man, I think your ass just called me. Just letting you know.” No, life without my cell phone would make daily existence unbearable.
And speaking of asses, if I keep my phone in my back pocket, will I get ass cancer? Or maybe just festering boils?
It’s also been stated by some experts that cell phones should be kept away from your head as much as possible. Is this so I can save on minutes?
So what if scientists do prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that cell phones do indeed cause cancer? What would phone providers do? Give you a refund? Doubtful. No, I think those companies would do what any right-minded, giant, billion dollar corporation would do; they’d run attacks ads against those blasted scientists that had the nerve to try and ruin our carefree way of life.
I can see it now. Bumper stickers that state, “Cell phones don’t cause cancer, people cause cancer,” or “I got my festering boils from the liberal media.”
Or maybe a TV spot. Picture this. The commercial opens with a magnificent, sprawling forest, waterfalls cascading down into a clear running stream, people from all walks of life with their pant legs rolled up, wading through the glassy water, laughing, talking on their cell phones……….and then suddenly, they begin to fall, one by one, helpless, unimaginable terror in their eyes, festering boils everywhere.
An announcer suddenly speaks in a hushed tone, “Cell phones were our way of life. They gave us freedom, they gave us hope, but global warming took all that away. You see fellow patriots, it’s not our phones that are killing you, it’s the very planet we inhabit. Al Gore knew about global warming. Why couldn’t he have warned us sooner?” The picture begins to fade, and another voice is heard, a much faster, unintelligible voice that blurts out, “paid for by the cell phone brigade and the coalition of people who hate Al Gore.” You turn off the TV, dumbfounded. Picking up your cell phone from the coffee table, you cradle it in your arms, weeping, swaying back and forth. Sadness suddenly turns to rage, and you run outside and shout at the sky, “Damn you global warming, damn you! I just wanted to download ringtones, I wanted to upgrade my plan, but you took that away from me. You took it all away…
