Posted by Dirk on February 4, 2009
(AP Photo/Matt Sayles)
I read the news today, oh boy, and holy shit! No it wasn’t the economy, it’s wasn’t that Bradogadadadavitich guy’s never-ending trail of nonsensical bullshit, or Obama, or Circuit City’s great deals that really suck, or that guy from Merrill Lynch being a total prick, or Wells Fargo scrapping their Vegas trip of whoring and gambling, although whoring and gambling seem to fit in quite well with the banking industry lately.
No what caused my pulse to race, what made me run for the medicine cabinet for a Xanax, was the freakishly astonishing, and just plain ridiculous news that Joaquin Phoenix is giving up acting to become a hip-hop musician—and I use the term “musician” lightly.
Joaquin, let me just say I admire your gusto, and I praise your fortitude to venture out into the unknown, mean streets that are the world of the hip-hop artist. I just hope you have a lot of cash on hand. I hope you are able to maintain some semblance of dignity and respect when your “effort” ends up in the iTunes’ “songs reduced to 59 cents” column, and most of all, I hope you shave off that fucking beard. Jim Morrison is dead, leave him that way, and let’s face it, everyone digs the scar.
Posted by Dirk on July 26, 2008
Come on, everybody smile, Lindsay’s here! Hey, bummed brunette chic….Lindsay’s here! Hey, chic impersonating Paris Hilton’s boyfriend, Lindsay’s here!
Herbie Fully Loaded! Prairie Home Companion! HAAAY!
Drugs? Come on, this is a drug-free party!
Hey everyone Lindsay..is………………here……….
OMG photos. Link to Lindsay Lohan
Thanks OMG! You guys rock!
Posted by Dirk on July 25, 2008
“Geezus Lohan, can we stop it with the kiosks? I want to go to the hat store.”
“I like kiosks cause they have like, stuff that I can buy, like this phone. Like this effin’ phone, ok? And these golf pants that match my stupid car, ok?”
“And damn, why is everybody calling me your “gal pal?” That sucks. I’m not smiling, right?”
“Well, you’re always holding my hand like we’re dating or something. And you never smile, right? Like at my stupid birthday party? What a drag. Even brunette chick didn’t smile. It sucked.”
“I want to go to a damn hat store, Lohan, now!”
“Screw you and the damn hat store. And what’s with the towel around your shoulder?”
“I thought we could go to the beach on the way to the hat store, but now we’re at these stupid kiosks again. How much totally stupid crap are you going to buy?”
“Will you just shut up if we go to the hat store? You and those stupid hats girl. What, are you Brad Pitt now? You could walk into Brad’s house, and Angelina would be like, “Hey Brad,” but then she’d see that frown on your face, and you’d be so out of there, cause Brad’s happy, and you’re not.”
“Whatever. That doesn’t even make sense.”
“Whatever. Go buy another hat.”
photo by Ahmad Elatab/Tom Meinelt/ Splash News - July 22, 2008
Posted by Dirk on July 20, 2008
It’s evening and I’m walking the dog down a dark, deserted suburban street, the remnants of the previous rain that evening dripping from the tall Ash trees onto the top of my head.
As I’m walking, I make out the shape of someone coming towards me. He’s tall and lean, with a gait that shows he’s a man of means.
I look down, a bit apprehensive, trying to avoid eye contact. I’m staring at the street as I walk, when the puddle just in front of me ripples as two massive feet make contact with the dark, silvery water.
“It’s me Dirk.”
“I thought it might be. I knew you come eventually, Michael Phelps/Jesus. Saw you on the box. Pretty incredible stuff.”
“It was more than pretty incredible, Dirk. I wish I could say the same for your freestyle.”
“I’m trying,” I tell Michael Phelps/Jesus, as his stare hardens. “I don’t have your huge fourteen inch feet, or your ginormous trunk, or your big-ass ears, although they seem like they’d slow you down. No offense.”
“It’s true, you’re inferior in many ways, and don’t mention my ears again. Dirk, how many times have I told you to keep your head down when you breath? And you call that kicking? My mom has a better kick. She also got more airtime than me, which pissed me off.”
“I know I’m not worthy Michael Phelps/Jesus, and I noticed she was hogging the camera a bit. I felt angry and ashamed that the camera wasn’t on you the entire time. But hey, did you see Denmark take the gold in the Lightweight Four final? Those guys can really row their asses off!”
“Silence! You will not speak of other sports in my presence other than swimming. Listen to me Dirk, because I grow tired of your ramblings. You will finish walking your pitiful canine friend, and you will get in your pathetic low-milage Japanese car, and you will drive to the gym, and you will get in the pool and you will freestyle until your small pruned fingers can dig no longer. And Christ almighty, keep your head down. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Michael Phelps/Jesus, I understand. I am nothing without you Michael Phelps/Jesus. Thank you.”
“Just get out of my sight.”
I pull on the leash and walk around the puddle and the massive form towering over me. I walk a few yards and turn.
“Is it true what they say, Michael Phelps/Jesus? Is it?”
“Yes Dirk, it’s true. I am anatomically huge in every way . Now, be gone, I’ve got sponsors to meet.”
Posted by Dirk on November 23, 2007
A “news story” in OMG! today pictures international pop star Rihanna shopping in Paris. While I was fascinated by these photos, especially the one where she is staring longingly at a lamp, what is really great are the reader’s comments below the photos.
Here are a few.
“she is so lovely.” Ok, I’ll give her that.
“she is very nice decent from her profile especial her address.” huh? Who wrote this, Frankenstein?
“Rihanna you got alot of talent…and your (that’s you’re, sir) usin’ jst perfect.” I have a great Christmas gift idea for this guy, it’s called The Chicago Manual of Style. English, it’s not just for job interviews.
“she ish n i love her song tew!! “hate that i love you’ “we ride ft 2 pac” Yes, sweety, i ride ft 2 pac tew!!!!! “COOL YOU RIHANNA……………………GO ON……………….I LIKE IT” My sentiments exactly. You sir, are a wordsmith for the ages.
Hppi Tanksgivng!
